Dr. Banana’s Guide to Polite Corpse Trolling in the Crux (Destiny)

by iconicbanana, C2-H5-OH + NAD, Portland, OR, Monday, January 05, 2015, 16:42 (3405 days ago)
edited by iconicbanana, Monday, January 05, 2015, 16:47

Dr. Banana’s Guide to Polite Corpse Trolling in the Crux

I’ve been asked numerous times, by attractive men, women, and the voices: what’s your policy when some jackass teabags your newly decomposing corpse in a control match? My response is typically situational, and to evaluate my situation, I use this simple four step process:

-Note time
-Assess your tagger’s position
-Determine who’s owning whom
-Superiority dictates action

NADS has helped me to recognize my place in the Crux, lowered my blood pressure, and provided me with a procedural outcome for any given situation. Permit me to share a fool-proof way to deal with the trolls, and show them your NADS.

Note Remaining Time

The very first thing you should do when getting corpse humped is look at how far in you’ve gotten. If the encounter is extremely early in a match, I tend to write off the action as a simple show of dominance by my attacker. His premature stiff stiffing is out of line, yes, but this is the ideal time to take note of his name and punish his insolence later. If we’re mid-game and he starts wriggling on my carcass, I try to think back to earlier encounters: do I have a history with this character? Is this a one night-stand or an awkward chance encounter in a grocery aisle, after I ‘lost his phone number’? What about at the end of a match, after I thoroughly eviscerated his team, only to die after the bell rings and become a disembodied spotter for some quick squats? Your immediate move is to survey the situation to inform your plan of action: don’t get red mist in your eyes, or the troll has already taken his toll!

Assess Your Tagger’s Position

This is more subtle than initially suggested, which is why it’s mentioned separately, and not just to complete a humorous acronym. Assessing your tagger’s position means being keenly aware of the scoreboard. Did that jerk just earn a Relentless medal? Is he teabagging the rest of your team too? Is this routine or an aberration? Is he just flat-out terrible, or much better than you? You need to profile your gagger like you would a serial killer. Become the Dexter of trolls. Did you just give up first blood on that kill? A tea bag in a tense match mid-way through is very different than a tea bag in a blowout, no matter who’s blowing whom. Is your tagger at the head of the other team? Has he been climbing the ranks, or does he also have huge balls…in his own mouth? Know your enemy, and know yourself.

Determing Who’s Owning Whom

Now that you’ve evaluated your opponent, evaluate your relationship to them. An early teabagging after you’ve given up first blood for instance is probably something you had coming, and you should thank him. That’s a wake-up call to stop feeding kills to the other team and play smarter.
Have you been trading kills with this fellow, destroying him over and over with a Plan C while he fumbles around with his Dammerrung? He’s probably understandably salty from all the metaphorical nuts he’s been munching on, and just needs to let off some steam. Cut him a break; cut yourself one! You’ve already won that gong show!
Has that bastard been putting you down and thumping your cadaver the whole game? He’s probably better than you. Don’t expect to get him back, but remember who he is, avoid him, and deal with him in post-game.
How about after you just torched his team and had a Best…Around? Shame on you! Why are you letting your guard down after the toll sounds? You can still rack up some extra kills on your K/D there. That shit matters! If it doesn’t matter, than you probably don’t mind getting teabagged, do you? If winning’s all you care about, you might as well sit down so he doesn’t have to kill you to get a good angle to drop his orbs.

Superiority Dictates Action

Now that we know who is winning, it’s time to react accordingly. Here are some good example responses:

-Is this an early game pre-emptive ball drop? Play it cool: the next time you kill him, don't bag him back, but do tap-dance on his corpse and get a fun rivalry going. Do it enough and he’ll know you’re alpha-dog.

-Did you just kill that punk 5 times in a row? He’s teabagging you to feel better about himself: the next time you immolate his fumbling gunplay with some nuke-spray, wave so he knows that you get it, and he should re-evaluate his priorities.

-Is this fella steamrolling you and then rubbing it in with his balls? Just report him, take a five, and switch it up for a bit. No point in getting salty yourself: shake your head, crack a smile, and go get an oat soda (if you’re under 21, it’s cool, Dad understands. Just don’t tell Mom).

-Did you just burn the other team down to the ground and win by 10k? What did you expect would happen if you died in the post-game after wiping the floor with them? Just enjoy the moment: you’ve earned the spotlight to bask in their admiration.

Dr. Banana does not possess an actual doctorate of any kind. His views are entirely for the purposes of humor and should not ever be taken seriously as medical advice. If you find yourself being teabagged frequently considering switching medication and teammates. Do not practice random fireteam selection if you find yourself being teabagged for 3 or more hours at a time.