I am shocked nobody has written a smutty fanfic about what Shaxx screams in bed. Get on it people. I hear there's a contest or something.

YYEESS!

I am shocked nobody has written a smutty fanfic about what Shaxx screams in bed. Get on it people. I hear there's a contest or something.

YYEESS!

Not specifically this, but I often think about what these characters do "off the clock".

Does Hawthorne wake up, make some super strong black coffee, eat some jerky then go up to her perch to look over the city all day waiting for guardians to come get engrams from her. Then at the end of her day, goes home and feeds her hawk, makes some spaghetti and eats dinner on the couch in her pajamas watching tv?

Does Zavala have a girlfriend? and what's their conversation like?

Zavala: Hey babe, I'm home.
GF: Hey Zavy how was your day?
Zavala: Pretty good, I made 850 vanguard tokens.

Rahool goes home and opens some wine, turns some music on and has one sided conversations with his prized plants...because he has no friends.

Rahool goes home and opens some wine, turns some music on and has one sided conversations with his prized plants...because he has no friends.

No, you are thinking of Asher.

Rahool goes home and opens some wine, turns some music on and has one sided conversations with his prized plants...because he has no friends.

No, you are thinking of Asher.

Asher spends all night sending angry messages to forum moderators.

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I always picture Asher at night more like this:

He is sufficiently organized and keeps work and relaxation separate and structured. With a hopeful reassurance in all things.

He is sufficiently organized and keeps work and relaxation separate and structured. With a hopeful reassurance in all things.

Do you think he takes his armor off when he goes to the beach? I bet he goes Speedo, like the PG Dr. Manhattan.
Has he ever "hot boxed" anyone?
Wouldn't it be great if he had a bonsai tree?
I bet he can dunk a basketball with force but then hustles back down the court without any trash talk.
He probably wears an apron and makes a killer fried bologna sandwich.
Zavala is totally a Michelob Ultra kind of guy.

First of all, Zavala doesn't date. Cayde dates.

Zavala courts.

I feel like that man would only have time for marriage if it was arranged and steeped in some honor-bound tradition. Either that, or he's the most dedicated husband in the history of matrimony and has twelve kids. He's an all-in kind of guy. I don't see him with an S.O. because he's too much of a workaholic to suffer a woman (as they say), but if he does have one, you can bet he's making her breakfast in bed every morning and coming home with a dozen red roses every evening.

But I can definitely see Cayde having a few side chicks.

First of all, Zavala doesn't date. Cayde dates.

Zavala courts.

I don't know. I can picture Shaxx awakening something inside of him. A hidden desire he was too stern and noble to admit.

I feel like Cayde and Amanda probably hooked up at some point though.

Something something “beautiful horn” something something work safe.

"What did you do before the Fall?"

Before the Fall? Shaxx hadn't thought about those days in a very, very long time. He inhaled sharply, remembering the tang of sweat mixed with perfume and desperation. Not too unlike the arena, these days. "Well..." He stalled. Could this woman be trusted? His past was common fodder for the arena rats, Oft discussed in hushed tones just around the corner from him, and just as often hushed immediately at his approach. "Can you keep a secret," he asked her.

Avalon flushed a darker shade of blue, almost purple. "Of course, silly," she laughed. "Just about the only thing Warlocks do is keep secrets."

Shaxx laughed as well. He brassy, reverberant outburst shook the small bar. Two of the normal humans asked for their check, afraid of boisterous guardians, and rightly so.

"WELL DONE," He said.

"Please, Alex," Avalon whispered, a little embarrassed.

Shaxx settled down. "Fine, fine," he muttered. "Before the Fall, yes? I was an announcer."

"You're still an announcer."

"And I was then, too. Sure, the office looks different, but the job's the same. That's how I got it, you know."

"Really?" She was intrigued. "Nothing to do with your heroics at Twilight Gap.

"Nothing whatsoever." Shaxx loved this story, "If heroics were all it took to be Announcer of the Crucible, fifty other guardians would have been chosen before I was ever considered. Helheim-9 broke the first phalanx with a Fist of Havok from five stories up. Sk8rChkQUEEN shot three captains with a single round... from a Vanguard Armory Sniper, if you can believe that! And XxFkUImDaBeAsTxX caught seven incoming rockets with his face. And two outgoing ones. No one likes that guy. Hell, Zavala saved damn near 400 civilian lives with a mid-air bubble."

"Zavala?" She was laughing. "Can you imagine him announcing the arena kills?"

"Well," said Shaxx in his best 'serious Zavala' voice, "a bullet did just puncture that guardian's helmet. Satisfactory showing, guardian. Moderate marks."

Avalon joined in, furrowing her brow and glowering with all her might, "Four kills in a row; adequate work, but we expect better on the front lines."

Shaxx applauded as Avalon took a little bow.

"So you see why they needed a real showman," he went on. "Someone who knew how to appeal to the masses' more, ahem, carnal instincts."

"Carnal, you say?"

"Carnal indeed. You haven't asked me what sort of announcer I was."

"Alright," said Avalon, "Alexander Shackleton, what sort of announcer were you?"

"I regret telling you that," said Shaxx, though, in truth, he enjoyed her private barbs at his birth name, "and I imagine I will regret telling you this as well."

He paused, milking the antici... She leaned forward. Caught her breath.

-Pation "A strip club announcer." He studied her face to see how she took it.

"So you've seen a lot of girls naked, I take it?" She took it in stride. "But have you ever seen one clothed only in the Light?"

"I have," Shaxx replied. "IT WAS AMAZING!"

Avalon laughed as she led him out onto the street. "Well," she told him, as her eyes narrowed slyly, "You'll have to tell me what spec she was."

Something something “beautiful horn” something something work safe.

Whoever sits on Cayde's face is in for a surprise.

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"From:
Cody Miller
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET"

"DEAR rEdditor: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say Guardians don't poop.
Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’
Please tell me the truth; do Guardians poop?"
- Cody
__________________________________________________________


Yes, Virginia (I mean Cody), Guardians do poop

- Reddit
__________________________________________________________


Cody, please, no more of these garbage, "meta-concept" or "in-universe", posts. You are not canon.

Heh. Not quite canon compliant, but it got a couple good laughs out of me. Well done. :)

Good laffs.

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