Do you hate failing at crucible? I sure know I used to. I still fail at it, but I’ve at least found solace in the amount of rage I cause with the most OP things some sadistic developer ever conceived: Exotic Fusion Rifles. Here’s a quick guide to things that you can use to make much better players furious to the point of hemorrhage.

The Vex Mythoclast

Are you a PvE connoisseur who found Iron Banner infinitely frustrating? Was Atheon’s Epilogue overpowered at range by those damn Suros dudes? Was your Timepiece too slow for those Suros dudes? Did your Corrective Measure still not protect you from that asshole with the Suros? Then your Mythoclast won’t help either! The Vex Mythoclast is the trophy wife of your Destiny experience. If you can’t shoot than all its substance will just be style and its chief ability will be to give you a red-lit-LED view of the guardian that murders you. You can turn Send It on, or just go with the Enhanced Battery, but unless you’re good at shooting stuff to begin with, this thing won’t help you in the crucible.

If you are good at poppin’ domes, stop reading! This thing is stupid good, even with the damage nerf. Its accuracy and the size of its projectiles make precision damage as inevitable as damp underarms on raid night. It’s a refreshing change of pace from the sameness of the Autorifle hegemony of crucible, and more importantly, it’s damn irritating getting melted, and nothing will melt your enemies like this puppy. It won’t offer maximum trollage, but nothing says ‘I’m better than you’ than killing somebody with a gun you lucked into with RNG that they’ll probably never see. Forget the fact that Shadow Price gives you an open exotic slot: you’re here to troll, and I always get good and lathered when some guy immolates me with one of these things. Besides, this is for Terrible Players. Can’t you read the title? Go away!

Watch this guy kill people with one.

Plan C

If your playstyle demands a variety of CQC and sniper ducking, then you sure are lucky you bought a Plan C when Xur was selling them. MacGyver’s cock is probably a Plan C that ejaculates Swiss army knives. This thing can range out with Hammer Forged for long shots on Bastion, use Perfect Balance to get the recoil to literally nothing, or Accelerate Coils to outshoot all those trigger-jockeys who thought Perun’s Fire could match an exotic. But these abilities are just versatile build makers, and this thread is about trolling. That’s were the eponymous Plan C ability makes itself felt.

You can already flip this thing out fast, but once you’ve got Plan C upgraded, all you have to do is hold on and not miss. This thing won’t outshoot some jackass rounding the corner with a shotgun, but you should be cooking your Fusion Rifle anyway when turning a corner, so you had that coming. If you see someone coming, though, they’re boned. Flip that shit out and waste that fool! You can fire two blasts with this thing before most Fusion Rifles can fire one; even if you’ve haven’t cooled down the quick-fire, you can still expect to see that hunter sliding at you with the shotgun dissipate into a striating glow of radiating discharge. And believe me, every dude sliding at you has beat the Light Beware users with that slide, and he will be pretty hot that some stooge nuke-sprayed his corpse into the ionosphere. The time to kill with Plan C upgraded is far too brief for fairness, which is what we’re going for, so get that thing upped and make people angry!

Watch this guy run out of people to kill using one.

Pocket Infinity

Does Mythoclast require too much accuracy? Is Plan C too unwieldy and is switching guns all the time too demanding? Time to give in to the darkside! Get the missive, then do the time and get your Pocket Infinity fully upgraded. Turn on Perfect Balance. And never look back. Master the only skill the gun requires: constantly charging. And watch people who can shoot, marauding Bladedancers, Havoking Titans, and Radiating Sunsingers all melt like popsicles on an Alabama July-afternoon.

This gun is the fire-hose that riot police see in their dreams. Who cares if you miss the first shot? It doesn’t need an 8 burst magazine because it fires that many anyway. As long as you crank accuracy, center mass will kill at ridiculous distance. If you start firing, everything in front of you will burn in the searing fire of trolling fury. The only skill this weapon requires is the readiness to fire it when your enemy comes into view; as long as you watch the radar, you will kill plenty of people that you couldn’t under any other circumstances. And when they see you flailing around and missing wildly, still firing long after their body has melted away…then, in the distance, you will hear the jimmies rustling, softly.

Here's someone who is good at Pocket Infinity making love to a lot of faces.

Special thanks to the people who made the videos. The troll is strong with you, and I hope you don't mind me channeling that by stealing your work.