Thanks for reading it and giving me some clues as to what I need to improve upon! I've actually been writing for quite some time, plays and screenplays and the such, I just became inspired after watching the GDC panel for the third time in a row and threw it together form a couple of other things Destiny related I'd been working on. I think I wrote this in roughly thirty minutes and at 2am I thought why not post it?

I've gone through and fixed some of the tense inconsistencies and I'm working on rephrasing things, I really appreciate you giving me some of your own insight!

Interesting. I quite like the direction you're taking this, but it also touches on something I'm curious about -- the Traveler's specific role in Destiny. We know that the magical powers and the technologies the Guardians use are derived from the Traveler. What we don't know yet, though, is how active a role the Traveler will have. Everything I've seen so far indicates -- to me, at least -- that the Traveler is dormant, inactive, and that whatever power it bestows on the Guardians is done so passively, almost as little more than a consequence of its presence above the city. Your fiction makes the Traveler more aware and active than that, so I'll be curious to see how the actuality of the Traveler compares to this.

I realize we don't have a Fan Fiction section yet ('yet' might be the wrong word; maintaining HBO's FF section became a pretty onerous task at some point, and I'm not sure I want to repeat it... but no decisions have been made at this point), but I'd really appreciate, from an organizational standpoint, that you keep all of your chapters together, in one thread. I don't think every chapter needs a new one, especially since the most common configuration choice is bumped threads.

Thanks!

Fascinating! For the record, it doesn't read slow to me. Dialogue scenes can be every bit as important to the flow of a story as action sequences, and you do a good job here of adding flavor and character to the politics of the City.