You really wanna know my best raid memory? Okay... (Fan Creations)

by Kahzgul, Thursday, January 25, 2018, 16:13 (2491 days ago)

Someone asked me what my best memory was from the Raid - you know, Callus' ship? Is that even how you spell it? Callus? Cowlus? Cauless? No idea. Weird guy. Robot. Guy. Turtle. Thing. I dunno about that either. But I digress.

So we get to this ship, and it's like HUGE. I mean, it SWALLOWS PLANETS. Or centaurs, at least. I mean, a centaur is like a big asteroid, right? Or a small planet? Look, I think we can all agree that the Leviathan isn't going to be eating Jupiter any time soon (and why would you... all that gas... can you imagine? Those farts would be like tiny nova bombs of pure blech). Maybe it could eat the Moon. I know, I know - why would you eat something full of all those maggots. Fine. Whatever Hawthorne. Shut up.

My point was the ship was big. Like a goddamn little world made of gold and marble and decorated with royal purple tapestries. Which is super weird. I mean, we're on Earth, right, and we love gold and marble and we associate purple with royalty, and then this giant space turtle shows up for way the hell out in the horsehead nebula or some shit and *he* loves gold and marble and associates purple with royalty! WHAT ARE THE ODDS??? So I immediately assume this is all a trap, right? Like any kind of alien would have the same aesthetic sense as humans. Hive? nope. Fallen? No. Goddamn fucking space turtle army? Oh yeah, they love that shit. WHAT? The universe is a weird place. Don't even get me started on Xur. He needs a bath, man. BAD.

Anyway, I was right. The ship WAS a trap. It's like a game for Julius Callus or whatever, so he can like - I guess - watch us fight all his dudes? I mean we killed dozens of them. Hundreds, even, before we figured out that some of them had flags we had to go put in a specific slot on the floor. I just can't imagine how much it must suck to be this guy's friend. "Hey, Steve, can you come over to watch the game? Bring like sixteen flags just in case you need to use the restroom." Weird.

We get that first door open and we're all stoked, right? Alkaye-9 even got an exotic engram which was like "WOAH, RAID LOOT BITCHES!" Seriously she's lucky as hell. Remember The Vault of Glass? Fatebringer on her first damn try. Happy people make me want to barf sometimes. But I digress.

We're all excited, giving each other high fives and shit, doing a little dance, making a little love, WeslySnypes84 even breaks out the Thriller. Awesome. And then we walk down this big ass hallway thinking how badass we are, only to find out we're in some kind of weird freaky sex dungeon. It's like a bath house, but with acid on the floors and chains everywhere. Callus is into some weird shit, I'm telling you. Robo-turt is a FREAK. And there's like these little floaty balls all around, and when you grab them, they coat you in anti-acid stuff, like Tums for your outside parts. Pretty cool, I guess, if you're into weird coatings and shit. And we're all kinda wandering around, when Alkaye-9 notices there's some plates just like in the last room.

Except we don't have any damn flags! Like what are we supposed to do? So we're all like looking for things to shove in there, since that seems to be what this room is about, and then Wes jumps on his and it flipping starts glowing, so we're all like "okay I guess" and jump on ours, and then BAM, the chains start moving!

It was great. Kenbo started yelling "Yeah we did it boyeeeez!!!" and pointing left and right like some goddamn kinderguardian, and then - this was great - this giant fucking turtle dude holding two big ass swords but only wearing a tiny little towel climbs out of the fucking acid and stabs Kenbo in his stupid pointing face. Oh my god it was so funny.

I don't even know where to begin with that one. I mean, first there are like giant fat turtle dudes living in this acid? And second who takes the towel with them *into the pool*? Everyone knows you keep the towel outside so it doesn't get wet. Turtles are weird as hell. Last, like, these are aliens, right? Why are they wearing towels like some kind of weird college frat party? And was he holding those swords the whole time down in the pool of acid? I mean, WHERE DID HE KEEP THEM?? Don't answer that. Ugh.

And then it hits me, just as I'm putting my fifth round of buckshot into my own weird ass towel turtle (by the way that shotgun wrecks like Godzilla on steroids, thanks Hawthorne): This whole thing is a stupid alien attempt to impress us, based on some tripped out Roman movie that was probably intercepted in space. Like Ben Hur or something. Space turtles don't have dicks, but they sure do wear some dick towels like they do. Why? Because they think that's what badass roman gladiators do in the bath house! It makes perfect sense. This is some Spartacus shit. Like that movie Galaxy Quest, except for spacefaring romans. Hilarious!

Callus must have rebuilt the entire damn ship from the, well, it's not ground, really, but, I guess, bulwarks on up, just to look like a rich Earth dude. Talk about insecurity. Better impress the feeble earthpeoples at the same time I tell them they're unfit. Ha!

So this all dawns on me, and I'm like "hey, guys, I figured it all out!" And they're all stoked, right, because we've been carving our way past all these greco-roman nudie tortises and their weird tiny jetpack bros and their weirder skinny magic pals for a good five minutes, and everyone is like in total radio silence. It's a totally still moment, which is a rare thing in the heat of battle (I mean even Wes shut the hell up instead of going off on his Taylor Swift obsession all the time), and I'm all, "yeah, this Emperor Callus guy wants to be Augustus Caesar."

Turns out everyone thought I'd figured out how to clear the room and get more loot, not why there was all this gold and marble everywhere. Oops.

Most of them called me an asshole, but Alkayne-9 just walked right into the nearest pool to end it all. I guess, in retrospect, I can't blame her. But yeah, that moment of epiphany man, that was the best part of the raid. I went right home and rented Antony and Cleopatra as soon as the raid ended. Good times.