This post is a Tool. (Destiny)

by INSANEdrive, ಥ_ಥ | f(ಠ‿↼)z | ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ| ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, Sunday, January 28, 2024, 16:07 (89 days ago) @ cheapLEY

Shit has been big for a while now, even if only quietly so. And there's not much left to lose. This is . . . I dunno, honestly. It's stupid, if you look at it objectively. Leaving a decent, stable job, close to a family that loves and supports me, to chase . . . something. Not someone anymore, for better or worse. I just know I can't sit still any longer. I could probably put in the effort to better myself here with a little security, but--it doesn't feel right, honestly. It's an inescapable call right now.

I'm quite literately giggling with glee, spinning in this ol' spinney chair, grinning ear to ear vicariously through your pending adventure... gee I hope you're good with pain.

You're right. It is stupid. Hilariously stupid, leaving comfort and support for... ?????????? lol... *waves arms erratically*. Expending energy and resources for rationally no known gain. Rationally. Fortunately, stupid cuts both ways, though one edge is certainly sharper. In a story context, this strikes me as quite literally the "call to adventure", the first step on The Hero's Journey (Psst, that's you Cheap). And, instead of some sophistical macguffin "story", the driving force is the mismatched restlessness of a curious self-aware mind asking questions on the meaning of... hmmmm... "here".

I choose this word carefully sir. ;D

Rhetorically; Such fun to endure, how do you stand it?

We seem to be on the same wavelength more often than not. I've never used a journal in my entire life, but I started recently. It's a fucking mess, honestly, and I hope I look back it some day and laugh, but it's helped. Getting the thoughts and self hatred out of my head is beneficial.

Of course. You're a rather reliable response. If I make a post, 2 out of 3 times (which is a ratio I'm pulling out of the ether here), it's either deft silence or you Cheap. And yet... I can not speak to knowing any shade of self hatred. Forgive me as I switch from you to me, for the sake of you. I simply cannot leave such words alone, should I have means and choice. There is a quote in the Star Wars Prequel #2 which tends to get over looked. It's frankly one of my favorite quotes in all of Star Wars...

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Not sure if it's relevant in the matter of self-hatred, but I think it could be... a likelihood in some arbitrary bent towards "good enough". Then again, it's also the simplest answer I have to give at the moment. External or Internal, it all seems to end up effecting the other thing, right?

To Speak in my knowing; the frustrations, and breathless stolidity, and... a grand sea of indecision, which I suppose makes a whole ocean of foibles certainly not unique, but... well, perk of being self aware of being self aware I suppose. If I gotta live with my pants-on-head 'tard-'o-licious self, at the very least one can learn to enjoy the ride. Stars (everyone needs to see the light-unhindered Milky Way at least once), the smell of spring rain, belly button lint, peeling excess School Yard glue and watching Lady bugs flying off fingers... combining odd flavors together, the way light bounces off the walls, being cold then being warm (and vise versa). Even the sting of fresh snow ain't so bad, along with the songs of muffled silence, of glinting magic and padded dreams.

eh. Simple shit, effortless. Small stones that make a mountain. Admittedly that doesn't factor in various external factors, but that goes beyond the pale in a public discussion.

That outside thing is wonderful. It's the only thing that's kept me resembling any sort of a rational human being for a long while now. Moving to a cabin in the woods isn't the proper answer, but proximity to mountains has a special quality that I can't escape dreaming about.

If ya find any gold, remember I'm your favorite! ;D (Sorry Korny.)

But what do I know, I'm just a screwy guy addicted to the bit.