Alright Mods. Lock Requested. (Off-Topic)

by INSANEdrive, ಥ_ಥ | f(ಠ‿↼)z | ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ| ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, Sunday, May 21, 2017, 13:32 (2743 days ago) @ INSANEdrive

Alt Title: The Cat Drug

It was a cold night. The first one in many years time. Too quiet. There was no other heart beat, nor breath, nor the warmth of my friend. ;_; If It wasn't for exhaustion from my deep sadness, I might not have slept at all.

Life (or something of it) is cruel, through not due to any purpose in cruelty. It's all just a side effect of being a work in progress, or at least as far as I can tell anyway. Be that as it may, it seems a little comfort at the entropy my heart has seemingly experienced in the last 27 and 1 half hours. I've realized in these 27 and 1 half hours since my thoughts of possibility became cold-hard-truth, that my hearts angst has been fueled by memory of how it was even 51 and 1 half hours ago when all was well and happy. When I did not know "today" would be the last day. I feel very much as is described from someone coming cold turkey clean from an addiction of an opiate or nicotine. I'm quite suddenly relearning to live again without. How to walk, talk, eat breakfast, and move 'bout in the daily activity without the added benefit of company Mr.Spock provided by just being alive and happy. The routine of feeding him, and his symphony of sound he would make in till I placed food into his reach. The little sound he would make every time I turned on his heater for him, which I always interpreted as, "Thank you"; or even when he would jump to my bed and I would turn him into a cat burrito with the top sheet. I could do as needed for this cat as I saw fit, and Mr. Spock would just roll with it best he could. Rarely if ever made much of a fuss - Just - Ok I guess this is my life now. Lill' fur ball. ;_;

It seems an odd paradox. I'm overjoyed to cherish these memories made, yet it is these memories that are bringing such despair. I'm remembering my last hit of simple effortless joy, and I want another hit. There is no more. There is no more. There is no more. ;_; That chapter is done.

That's not to say there will never again be more, as there will be very likely be more in some form. Such an idea feels so distant right now, through - when I can feel anything at all. At this point I *think* the edge is gone, and now all I have is the raw blunt of sadness. While more in metaphor, I think I'm able to taste again, so there is progress being made in this noggin of mine.
I have never before experienced such an intensity of raw sadness like this. It's not only in my eyes, but my throat, my heart, and my hands. And it's not like I've never experienced death before, I've both seen and known of it more times than I would like to recognize. I've been the strength in the room, the one person who didn't cry just so that others could do so on my shoulder with a hug, and I've also left the room, as I couldn't take watching the slow twitchy phase of the body dying. Yet for these moments, those people who have passed don't really feel dead to me, as they and their lessons are a part of me. As long as I live they are not yet dead, just in a smaller amount in another form.

With Mr.Spock through, it seems at this moment all I have is the aforementioned memory, and I think that makes it worse. That's not to say I never learned anything through experience thanks to the littl' fur ball, shoot, even this here is something to learn from. Yet it feels more like external skills learned, instead of a part of my cat now being part of me. I'll see if that changes with time through. I hope so, I need to make something out of this madness so I can fill the hole that has been left in my heart.;;;_;;;

So, as the title says (Alright Mods. Lock Requested.), I've requested this locked. I've got to keep some of my guts in me after all, if I am to move forward, and ya'll have done enough as it is. This LONG hull - which I expect will be the rest of my life right now with how I feel, is my weight to carry now. I either get stronger with it - or I die, and I ain't dien' yet if I can have may say about it.

With all that said, and this post to be locked, I thank you DBO for letting me share with you something so Un-Destiny related. Something so pure. Sharing with you my cat-who-was-never-a-cat who sheared way his failing mortal coil. If I'm weirder than usual, or whatever - well - you'll know why. If you still want to send a message do it through Xbox Live. If you are Playstation, well - I guess you will have to find someone who is on Xbox here at DBO and have them relay it I suppose.

I'll be around, I guess.

Thanks All <3